Thursday, June 28, 2007
Came home rather early today after nationals. I don't think I’m supposed to say anything about it. So I shan’t.
I just want to thank those people who wished me good luck. I’m sorry I didn't reply you guys cos my sms is running out. Thanks chiuyee, junhan, ahmad, kevin, kompol, daniel, jonathan, kailiang, shengchow, yuki, pandora, ashley, xianhui, junjie, esmond and michelle. And of course thanks to debby, cheryl and dujing (:
I’ve always wanted to write this post. But somehow I was either too tired or too lazy to write it. But finally I have got about to writing this post.
Everytime I go home from 3rd lang with dhs friends like ashleytan, roseline, lionel, siswo, sihui, jessica and yixiang, I cant help feeling a sense of nostalgia. Whenever they talk about the happenings in school, I can’t help feeling that I wish I was there to see those happenings. The things they talk about are so different from what the people here in vj talk about. They’re so much more random and fun. And the laughter never goes out of my life there. There’s a different element of fun there.
It is so much more deadened here. I never knew what was this term “emo”. I never knew people could be so thick skinned. I never knew people could be such attention seekers.
And it seems like I have much more problems coming here. I didn’t have problems in dhs. Even if I had them, they weren’t worth remembering.
Everyone’s had their fair share of problems. I have mine too.
They share their problems with me.
I listen.
I think hard.
I try to provide useful advice.
When I have my problem.
Who actually listens.
I can’t help thinking what would life be like for me if I hadn’t left dhs. I would still be with my old friends hwee2, yuleng and jessica. We may not have been streamed into the same class. But still, I’ll get to see them more often. We had so much fun together.
I’m sorry it’s all over now. Those times can’t come back. It never will be the same. We don't have a common plane to base our conversations on now.
The only thing that holds us together is the times that we had together. It’ll be hard for us to relive those times. It’s so difficult to grasp onto those fleeting images of you guys.
Sometimes I try to remember how you look like. But I can’t. And I get so frustrated. I remember all those talks we had together. I tried to remember the exact words you said, the manner you said them. Perhaps I could put the pieces together. And then I’ll see you again.
The people in vj. Some of them are indescribable. Really. Sometimes I wonder how you guys over there would clique with them over here. I sometimes wonder how some of you would bitch about the people here. I really wished you guys came over here. I know you would share the same opinions as me. You would be surprised at the number of ****** here.
I don’t know how to describe life here. It really wasn’t what I expected it to be. I guess I was fantasizing too much last year this time. I can’t imagine why the hell I was looking forward so much to coming here. I guess I thought it would be much more different.
Oh I guess it really is different here. The lessons here are without a doubt better. The teachers generally are better here I guess.
The real difference is the culture and the people here. I don’t understand how some of those people can be so lowdown and shameless. It’s just so that this ip community is so small that your every action is being scrutinized by the people around you. You have to be careful if you don't want people to get the wrong idea about you. Your every action builds the impression others get of you. Please don’t shatter the beautiful image I have or had of you.
It seems like the atmosphere here is suffocating me. It’s like the sky’s falling bit by bit each day and it just keeps coming down on me. I find it so hard to breathe. I can’t turn my head up. I can’t open my eyes. I can’t muster the energy to do so.
Talking to Alvin that day was sort of a realization. He asked me if I’m happy here. It took quite long for me to answer him. I can’t even remember what I answered him. I guess my answer wasn’t truthful. We talked about many other things. And that talk made me realize stuff.
It’s draining me out. I have had headaches ever so often nowadays. I have fell sick so much more often during the last six months than the whole of last year.
I have been sacrificing loads of hours of sleep the last six months.
And what for.
My studies are not going anywhere. Nothing is appearing well now.
I’m sick of it. I shan’t care anymore. If I can’t finish a particular homework or project that night, I’ll just go to sleep. I don’t care if I can’t pass it up. I’m not going let myself suffer for grades. It’s not worth it.
I had enough of trying my best for quite a bit just then.
But I’m game for trying again this time round.
Even if the effort’s not appreciated.
I shan’t care.
As long as I’ve done my best and I’m happy with myself.
I will just do what I can.
They’ve been asking.
If it’s too difficult.
If it is too difficult.
Get it over with and done with.
Escape.